Saturday, March 26, 2011

Day 35 - Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

Ok, don't know why I remember this movie...but it is an oldie, probably from the 50's.  The general plot is that people are being replaced by their identical doubles who are grown from pods by space aliens (at least that's what I remember about it!).  At first, no one believes this guy that thinks people truly aren't themselves, but then of course, as all horror movies go, everyone finds out that it is indeed true...people have been replaced by identical duplicates who are trying to get everyone to be replaced by these pod people.

I swear, I'm beginning to think that I've been replaced by another cave mom grown from a pod!  LOL!  Why?  Because the way I am thinking and acting lately has nothing to do with how I have always thought and acted in the past.  I literally am not sure who I am anymore!

I have always had certain habits and thoughts that I have just assumed were a part of who I was and how the good Lord made me to be.  Things like, "I will always want the chips and salsa!", "I hate to exercise.", "One of the best things in the world to eat is anything with drippy, gooey, cheese melted on top.", "I would never actually prefer a salad to something deep fried.", and "Fruit is NOT a sweet...chocolate is a sweet!"

But lately, this space alien pod version of me is finding that those statements about myself just simply are not true anymore.  It is mind boggling to me what this paleo lifestyle is doing to me and my attitude about food.  I am a lifelong "fat girl".  I am the one who is supposed to think those thoughts.  I am supposed to have low self-esteem and feel inferior...that's just who I am.  I feel like that by definition...who I am and who I am supposed to be is...the fat girl.  But, all of the sudden, I am not thinking like a fat girl anymore and to be honest, it is sort of freaking me out.  I am not sure if I can even put my arms around the thought of thinking about myself as anything but the "fat girl".  It's like I am almost scared that I am going to lose a part of my identity and now I have to go on this soul-searching journey to figure out who I really am.

If I am not the fat girl anymore...then who the heck am I?

I realized the total difference in my thoughts at lunch today.  6 y/o daughter and I were out grocery shopping in between a thousand other things on our "to do" list and stopped for a quick bite for lunch.  There was a salad bar and I made a delicious looking (and tasting) salad with fresh greens, carrots, celery, onions, some olives, artichoke hearts, sunflower seeds, grilled chicken, and a dash of oil and vinegar on top.  Sweet darling daughter had a huge, ooey-gooey, slice of pepperoni pizza.  As we were eating together, I thought of how many times in the past I have finished my children's meals for them when they said they were full.  I thought of how many times I have wanted to "skim the top" of pizza and eat the melted cheese and pepperonis off the top.  I thought of how much I loved pizza.  Then...and here dear readers is the CRAZY part, I glanced down at my daughter's plate and looked at her slice of pizza and it actually repulsed me.  It was all greasy and the cheese was melted over the edges...and it just looked actually disgusting to me.  My salad was so fresh and crisp and crunched in my mouth...and my daughter's pizza just looked downright nasty to me.  WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?   I am supposed to love pizza.   As Velma would say...Jinkies!  (And if you don't get that are either way too young or I am way too old!)

All I can do is keep going on as I am going on.  I know I am eating healthier and feeling's just downright crazy that I am actually enjoying it and actually preferring it to my old lifestyle.  Dieting and healthy eating are supposed to be miserable...right?

Well, here in paleo world...I guess not.

It's a journey for sure...who knows where I am going to end up when I get to the destination.  Only time shall tell.

1 comment:

  1. I laughed so hard reading this post! It's like I wrote it myself!
    This afternoon, while my family indulged in Pizza for lunch, I opened the refrigerator door and for a split second I felt like a neanderthal scavenging for something to eat....weird...
    Also, find myself wanting to spend 'more' time at the husband is starting to call me a gym rat...ME...the woman who has been overweight and undermotivated her whole life. Imagine that!
    Jinkies! :)
    By the way...that sounds like an awesome salad bar!