Let me preface this post be saying that I have quite the history with diet failures. I have NEVER been a "normal" person. The first time my mother took me to a Weight Watcher meeting was the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. She did this not because she was a cruel mom...as a matter of fact, she is the polar opposite. She did this because I was begging her to help me lose weight so I could feel accepted and normal...even at 8 years old! What has followed has been over 35 years of steady weight gain, temporary weight loss (but never down to a normal weight) and then more weight gain.
I have never been "normal." Never. My complete identity has always been the "fat girl with the red hair". I know there are probably many pyschological issues tied to seeing myself this way...and perhaps at some point I will talk more about it here, but the point is...I have never been able to lose weight down to a goal weight and NEVER been able to escape DD (remember him? Diet Demon?) from sabotaging me in my weight loss attempts and my desire to achieve a healthier lifestyle. For as long as I can remember...I have been a failure at achieving what the world says is "normal."
One of the most opportune times that DD comes after me is during times of stress and times of depression. I am normally not only a glass is half full kind of girl, I am a glass is overflowing girl. I am an optimist and always have a smile on my face. I am very rarely down. However these last few days have been pretty darn difficult. Like all of you, I have many roles in life...wife, mother, daughter, teacher, employee, friend, volunteer, housekeeper, etc, etc, etc. Let's just say that the last few days have left feeling pretty much beaten up in all of these areas except my role as a wife (thank heavens for hubby, he's my anchor all the time...don't know why God blessed me so much with him.) Not only does my cup feel empty lately, it feels like it has a hole in the bottom of it and everything is draining out as fast as it can. I am being pulled in a hundred different directions for a hundred different reasons for a hundred different obligations that I have. I am just empty...stressed and just bummed out.
This should be prime time for DD to come pay me a visit....nudging me along with those little thoughts of "just a bite of this" or "boy, wouldn't that taste good" or "I'll get back on it tomorrow". Nope...none of those at all. And it's not like the opportunities aren't there. But, I have no desire to cheat of get off of this program at all. Despite the day I have had, I was happy to come home tonight and make a nice, fresh marinara sauce with fresh tomatoes, fresh bulb garlic, onions, fresh basil, fresh oregano and extra lean ground beef to pour over the spaghetti squash that is currently baking in the oven. Normally on a day like this, I would come home exhausted, put my feet up in the recliner, have a cold beer and order pizza delivery for the family for dinner. Not tonight. I made the kids PBJs and chips for dinner...and not even tempted to taste the peanut butter or eat a Lay's.
Like I started out this post.....INEXPLICABLE.